i probably do need to find myself charting out my ideas about:
- monogamy
- cheating/infidelity
and
- who is to be held accountable to the “significant other” when it comes to being involved with someone in a monogamous relationship.

as well as: 

how voluntary and involuntary choice factors in it all. 

i think i’m forgetting something, but that is what charting is for. 

Why I became a pacifist
and then
How I became a warrior again:

Because nothing I could do or say
turned out okay
I figured I should just sit
still and chill
except to maybe mumble
“Baby, Baby:
Stop!”
AND
Because turning that other cheek
        holding my tongue
        refusing to retaliate when the deal
        got ugly
And because not throwing whoever calls me bitch 
        out the goddamn window
And because swallowing my pride
         saying I’m sorry when whoever don’t like
         one single thing
         about me and don’t never take a break from
         counting up the 65,899 ways I talk wrong
         I act wrong
And because sitting on my fist
         neglecting to enumerate every incoherent
         rigid/raggedy-ass/disrespectful/killer cold
         and self-infatuated crime against love
         committed by some loudmouth don’t know
         nothing about it takes 2 to fuck and
         it takes 2 to fuck things up
And because making apologies that nobody give a shit
    about

and because failing to sing my song

finally
finally

          got on my absolute last nerve

I pick up my sword
I lift up my shield
And I stay ready for war
Because now I live ready for a whole lot more

than that 

June Jordan
”Directed by Desire: The Collected Poems of June Jordan”
pp. 477-478

Do you see this film as sort of validating – for lack of a better word – the ways in which gay men have connected historically, ways that are kind of demonized by some of the more vocal, increasingly conservative quarters of the community?

It’s such a complicated issue, isn’t it? For a long time gay men fought to be seen as different, doing our own thing: This is our lives, this is what we do, accept it. There’s a conservatism that has come into the gay community: We’re just like you, just like everyone else. And maybe some people are and they do want to get married and so on, but that doesn’t mean that other people that don’t wanna get married… [He pauses.] Sometimes, I feel like the straight world is actually hooking onto the idea that they’re quite happy for us to get married because it means, “Whew! They are like us.”

A lot of so-called progressive hetero folks support gay marriage because ultimately it validates them and an institution that validates them and their relationships. It removes the weight of respecting and valuing truly diverse ways of being.

Yeah, it validates them. And now you get this pressure. I’ve got my mum asking me when I’m gonna get married, and I’m like, “Probably never.” 

Look, of course everyone should have the right to get married. But I think people need to remember sometimes that we don’t all need to be the same. There’s thousands of different types of relationships that people can have, whether it’s completely monogamous or it’s not monogamous, or they’re married or they’re single or whatever it is. All of those are valid as long as you are doing what you want to do, and it’s your choice. Our forefathers [he laughs] fought to not be like everyone else, and to be accepted on their own terms. It’s complicated. It’s quite exhausting and there is a point where you maybe do want to be seen like everyone else. [Laughter] 

I hope the film shows that it’s a complex issue. Nobody’s usually on one side or the other. Glen may say, “I don’t want to get married,” but if you listen to him enough then you realize he does want to be in love and he does want some security, and so we’re all just flowing along on this thing of, “Do we want it? Do we not? Security? Freedom? What do I want?”

The main thing is simply to be allowed to come up with your own definitions of security and freedom, which may be in direct opposition to the notion of marriage.

Absolutely. And that’s nothing to do with being gay. A struggle that almost everybody faces is finding that balance between feeling like they’re free as an individual, and having a kind of social safety and comfort. Everyone deals with that. It’s universal.

bell hooks

Toni Morrison writes that the idea of romantic love and physical beauty are “probably the most destructive ideas in the history of human thought.” 

(via restoried)

(via femmenoire)

(via femmenoire)

…he made it a point
to point out   (to me)
that i was loved. not only by him
but by so many others.

that in my life - i didn’t lack love or care or nourishment. in any capacity.

he used to worry that he was the only person feeding into me.
the only person caring for me.        in any capacity.

[he knew]

(and because, at a point, i had a propensity for being tragic and dramatic (hush!) - i own that i was responsible for that.)

in “fairness” to my growth + development: i was blind.

(“…we as people take sight for granted.”)

…lacked the ability to comprehend any of this. at least in that particular time in our relationship. 

i had [have?] a tendency to be distant
and removed. i had [have?] a tendency to lose sight 
of what is going on around me
because there was [is?] always so much
going on inside me (and around me).  

[“still”:]

he loved me. he allowed me space to love myself. 
i allowed me to love him.

[peace to ntozake, fonny, and tish.]

all of this allowed me to be secure in the knowledge and understanding that: 

…people love me. that people care for me. 

that i matter. 

he always provided space for me to remember that. to own that.
to love that.

so i could [continue to] love.